I had quite a shitty life when I was younger and I feel like it’s come to define me. Since I had no control over what my actual life looked like, I instead chose to define my identity by what I wanted it to look like, and what I would have done had I had the freedom to choose. So I based my identity on my made up story instead of my actual story.

FFW to today and I finally have a lot more say over what my life actually looks like. I feel like those past wishes are kinda burdening me now. I feel indebted to my past self to finally do those things I wished I could do back then in order to realize that story that I had always identified with. Because if I don’t, there will be nothing in my past for me to identify with me other than that shitty life that I didn’t choose.

But I’ve realized this is a mistake. I’ve realized I don’t ever plan my future without first thinking of my past. This can’t be good. By doing that, I am being held captive by my own history which I didn’t chose. Playing catch-up with the past to fulfill the plans I based my identity on might feel very right, but it would cost a lot of time. I’d never catch up with my peers who are content with their historu and living in the present.

How do I unlearn this? It feels so deeply rooted in the way I see myself that it’s gonna need some psycho shit like shrooms or something to even make my mind aware of what it’s doing

Edit: I do plan on going to counselling but I wanted to see what Lemmy thinks first